Community is like Snot…

I’ve surrounded myself with community my whole life. Well, I mean, ever since I could make those decisions for myself, at least. The communities have all been completely different in nature. But in each place I immersed myself in, I have instantly felt a sense of belonging. And I’ve always been the kind of guy who is friends with everybody. I love people and I love doing things with people. I love supporting people when I can and I love being a part of some kind of movement with them. After a little over 11 years of being “in community” with others, I’ve started to realize some things. I thought it might be beneficial for me to get these thoughts out. Who knows, maybe they’ll be good reminders for others:

1. People change. We’re always changing, always growing as people. Its said that after the age of 30, every 10 years we become someone different. Now, I realize that I’m 24 and have not experienced that, I’m just going off what I’ve heard from others. I myself, am going through big changes now, though. And it isn’t the first time. But again, we’re constantly “evolving,” if you will. We’re always learning new things, meeting new people with new beliefs and agendas, and feeling new kinds of joys and sadnesses. As that happens throughout the years (or months), we develop a new vision of the world. And that affects the rest of humanity, starting in our communities. So naturally, people move on from what they do/did in certain ways. Its just natural. Its just plain human. People who have found what they love early on and love it the rest of their lives baffle me. I would love to understand that kind of heart. But the majority of people in America constantly change.

2. People are flakes. That’s a harsh thing to say, I know. I’m not pointing a finger, if I were though, it would be pointed at myself. But one thing I’ve noticed throughout my years of community is that when people are doing something together, there are a lot of promises made. A lot of the time, those promises can’t be (or purposefully aren’t) kept. For a long time, I called that a flaw. Because it hurts when someone doesn’t show up when they said they would, right? But recently, I’ve learned to accept it is as just being human. We all have a lot on our mind and heart plates. All the time. We’re busy, whether outwardly or inwardly. Especially in our world today. We go, go, go. Its easy to forget, and its easy to let others down. It is no excuse, however, when making promises. The right thing to do is keep them. But none of us are perfect. And you can’t expect perfection from anybody.

3. People are mean. Every single person on this planet has an idea of how things should be. How the world ought to look. And most of the time, those ideas are different from everyone else’s. When I am in a hurry to get downtown from Capitol Hill, I expect the other drivers to know that I’m in a hurry. But how would they know? They expect me to know that they are having a terrible day and just want to relax in the car and take it easy. That is a simple, silly example but I think it makes sense. So, the best way to let them know that they aren’t seeing what I need from them, is to honk, yell, cut them off, or flip them off. It is easy to say or do things to others to hurt them. We want them to know (and feel) what the world looks like in our eyes. And we’re always surprised when they don’t. But also, people can just be mean for being mean’s sake. Some people find it fun to inflict pain on others. And that is something that is just too bad.

4. People are kind. Its hard to notice sometimes, but people are also actually very nice. One of the great things about being human is that we can relate. I think a lot of animals are this way too. But having experienced pain and suffering to a certain degree, when looking on someone who appears to be feeling the same thing, a lot of the time, we hurt for them. We almost feel the pain again, and we want to see it remedied. Whether you’re helping someone pick up dropped groceries, or buying a beer for the broke musician at the bar (me), there is something in us that causes us to want to make others happy. I think its because it makes us happy. And that’s a beautiful thing. There’s a diagnosis that doctors give called “Neurotic Identification Empathy.” I first heard about it in an old Jerry Lewis movie (‘The Disorderly Orderly’). But I later found out that its an actual thing. There are two types: Physical and Emotional. If you suffer from the physical type of NIE, when you see someone fall (or even just hear about it later) and break their leg, you actually, literally, physical feel that same pain in your own leg. If you suffer from the emotional type of NIE, if your friend tells you that their mom just died, you actually, literally, feel as though your own mother died. Its a very intense problem to have. But its actually just an intense amplification of what’s already in us. The ability to relate. That makes people very kind.

With all of this in mind, it makes me feel better about where I’m at and the people I’m around. Because I am just the same as everyone else, because I’m so different. I change, I make promises I can’t keep, I can be really mean, and I’d like to think that I can be nice at times. With this knowledge, I see my community clearer, with an outside perspective. We need to realize that people change, grow, and move on. It happens all the time. The key is to not take it personally (something I’m trying to learn). We really ought to strive to be nice to each other, looking out for one another like we do ourselves. Making sure that they know, that we’re here for them. And not being exclusive towards others who are different. There is nothing wrong with having a close few friends, in fact, its very encouraged by many “People Professionals.” But having the attitude like we are better than anyone else… that’s just stupid. Its naive, really. We have to know that everyone has a story and that everyone has a perspective. They’re all different, and all beautiful, and all personal. That unifies us. 

We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all been spit on or forgotten. We’ve all experienced joy and love. That is what makes us - these crazy people who are so different - the same. “Community” is a fun word to use, but the true meaning of it is lost most of the time. Webster says that Community is “a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists.” I am in a community of people in the Seattle music scene, and that can be a hard one sometimes. Its easy to think you’re better or worse than someone else in the community. Or, maybe “cooler” or “not as cool” are better phrases to use. But we’re all human. We’re all broken. We’re all mean sometimes. And we’re all kind. Its having the understanding of that that keeps things going with a healthy, forgiving perspective.

Anyway, thanks for reading this, if you did. This was all mostly for my own benefit and reminding, as I seem to be the worst offender of some of this stuff. 

“You are not ‘Hot snot on a gold platter’,” as an old friend of mine says. I forget that all the time. I’m no better than anyone else. It can be a hard thing sometimes to realize that I can be a “cold booger on a paper plate.”

As cold a booger as everyone else.

Thanks,

tkj